Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012.........Hopes and Dreams....

My List of stuff i would like to do or would happy in 2012

  • * Become a mom 1st and foremost!!
  • * carry full term
  • * de-clutter my kitchen
  • *de-clutter my laundry room
  • *spend more time with my family
  • * go to church
  • *exercise more often
  • * get down to 160lbs
  • * take the dogs for more walks
  • *visit my grandmother more
  • *make new recipes
  • * take more pictures
  • * read more books
  • * educate people on PCOS & Infertility
  • *Clean my Car (inside)

New Years Prayer
Dear Lord,
In the new year, we pray
that You will guide us each new day
in paths that are pleasing to You.
Lord, the new year gives us another chance
to rededicate our lives to You,
to study Your Word
so that we know right from wrong
and to act in accordance with Your commands.
Thank You for the sense of
direction, purpose and peace we get
from aligning our lives with Your Holy will.
We pray for the strength and the will to obey You
each and every day of the new year,
and when we fail, we pray for Your mercy,
Your compassion, Your grace and Your love.
Help us in the new year to be Your faithful servants.
In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.
By Joanna Fuchs
I want to be a Mother

A Mom Wannabe

By Alison Kathleen Whitney

I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my
husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion,
in the way God intended. But I can't.

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a
pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry
tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry
tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire.
I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly.
But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance
clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from
going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.

I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to
schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with
other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't.
Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving.
I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I
smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right
on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new
grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want
my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're
Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my
life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become a Heavy

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to
hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the
kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof
our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to
shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I
imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in
the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and
high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an
empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to
compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But
I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their
bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a
good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in
front of my eyes.

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions.
I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the
waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the
cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry.
Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our
faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it",
but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in
my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what
God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And
I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He
answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray
that someday soon He will give it to us.

I want to be a mom, but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me
to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in
His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in

From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be.


Happy New Years Eve!

Happy New Years Eve everyone!! Out with the old and In with the New! Hoping for a better year..this was a pretty good year...the last few months kinda sucked...but oh well what can you do...

Leo and i decided to go away for the weekend...we don't party much...not into drinking..yes i had 1 adult drink and didn't even finish it...we were going to go to the waterfall in hudson (willow river falls) however i was frozen when we started to walk i just couldn't do it... so we decided to pass being outside and went to the movies and we saw...We bought a Zoo...a very cute and good movie!! had some amazing food while we were here! iv been eating very healthy all i had at twizzlers at the movie theater and water...a burger for dinner with no i'v been doing pretty well hope to go home and see the scale move at least a pound would be nice!

So tonight were staying in our hotel room and relaxing...Very nice doing this!! Not wasting money on adult drinks and not worry about drunk drivers and the weather is suppose to get nasty so don't have to worry about that either!!

Everyone be safe and DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Happy Thursday!!

Good Morning everyone and Happy Thursday!!
I am up bright and early and in a pretty good mood..besides this stupid headach but it will go away... Today Mr.Blaze man is going to come hangout...maybe if the weather is ok we might go for a small walk...but we shall see it would be nice to get him out and pluse he enjoys being outside...but if its to windy or jut down right could.. we will stay inside where its nice and warm!!

Can you belive he will be 1 on Friday!! Yep this little guy is going to be a toddler!! Eeek crazy huh, soon he will be getting into everything!!! Oh well part of growing up

Leo and i are going way this weekend...leaving Fri and coming home Sunday pretty excited to get away..Hopefully the weather stays nice and we can go hiking up at the Hudson waterfall...thats our goal!! :)

Did zumba class last night with my sister Renay! It was a Hit..She did a great job and i loved getting back into this week i'v been watching what i eat and exercising and down 3lbs whoop whoop Only 8lbs left to go to get down to my goal weight again!! I know i can reach it!!

Anywho have a great day everyone!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

wide awake.


Its 1:30am Tuesday morning and i'm wide awake...what the heck.....

Monday was a lazy day..i did get a few loads of laundry done..and then mostly just relaxed..needed it...Can you belive Christmas has came and gone all ready? Where did the time go...crazy how life just goes by so fast...and nephew Blaze will be 1 on Friday!! Hes growing up so fast...and Colton hes all ready 2 months old!!! I love them little boys..

Sunday, December 25, 2011

just a little note to myself...

Clomid Ovulation Calculator

We will calculate for you the expected date of ovulation and when to best make love.
If you take Clomid for 5 days from 12/20/2011 to 12/24/2011,
you would expect to ovulate between12/29/2011 and 01/03/2012.
You can start LH testing for ovulation on 12/27/2011.
Optimally you would start making love every 1-2 days starting on 12/27/2011.

Christmas in Heaven

Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.
~ by Wanda Bencke
© Copyright 1999

Merry Christmas!!

~*~ Merry Christmas Everyone~*~

Wow! Where has this year gone? Its December 25th all ready and the day is almost over. I had a very blessed day. Spent the day at my mom/stepdad house..It was so much fun..we started the day off by putting the beautiful 12lb ham in the oven! Then we all gathered into the frontroom (Mom, Dan, Renay,Marie, Joe, Grandma, Leo, Blaze, Colton, the animals and myself) and then it was open gift time!!!!! May i remind you we had 2 little boys Blaze, and Colton and this was this 1st Christmas..and boy were they spoiled rotten! But thats the best...they enjoy everything you get them know matter what it is...Just watching Blaze play with his toys was priceless..and Mr.Colton Slept threw most of it...but what do you expect hes only 2months old..
Mom Got: Wii Game, Sheets, Candy, Slippers, ect...
Dan Got: Dvds, Cds, pj pants, ect....
Grandma Got: Towels, Digital picture frame, satin hands set, ect...
Renay got: Undies, pj pants, mothers snow globe(from colton), ect...
Marie Got: Shirt, Dvd, Boots, Ring(from blaze), ect...
Joe got: Gloves, Money, Gifts cards, ect...
Leo got, Work boots, books, money, ect...
Teresa got: Digital camera binoculars, scarf, fingernail polish, ect....
Blaze got: Clothes, New Chair, Toy trucks, blankets, ect...
Colton got: Clothes, new hat, new socks, crib mattress, ect...

So we all did pretty darn good! I am so blessed, its not the presents that count(even know there a bonus haha) its being with your family and laughing and having a good time!!

I do miss my family down in Illinois i haven't seen them Since March of this year...its been awhile...i did see Dad, Lynn and Jacob this summer..But i miss my aunts, uncles and the grandma and the kidos!! Maybe soon we will be able to make a trip down there..

Well No snow this Christmas kinda nice/kinda sad!

Grandma Normal and Charlie came over for dinner and to visit. It was nice to have them there... We had a great dinner...
Ham, Rolls, Greenbean casserole, lefsa, cabbage casserole, Watergate salad, mashed potatoes..It was yummy!!!
Dessert was: a big assortment of cookies, and pie with whipcream...but that came later on in the evening while we were siting around the table playing uno, and apples to apples..that was fun.. we were all laughing alot!! Then We decided to call it a day.. We were getting tired and the babies were getting fussy ...So Leo and i took grandma home...and when we were going to drop her off we seen alot of smoke and lights...there was a car fire across the street from grandma...hope no one got hurts...hope everyone is safe... Now Leo and i are sitting at home relaxing...What a good day....

In the back of my mind i couldn't forget that today i would be 16weeks pregnant! Omg 16 weeks all ready...however.....this is not true...because my baby is up in sad....some day i will meet him or her and tell them how much mommy loved them the short amount of time they were here...

Have a good rest of you Christmas!!!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Infertility Depression Over the Holidays – Tips for Coping

If you’re dealing with infertility depression over the holidays, try these tips for coping. Not getting pregnant is hard at any time of the year, but it can be worse at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The “normal” angst and loneliness that many people feel during the holidays is magnified if you’re trying to get pregnant, but can’t…
“Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for – I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times,” says Kate Bosher.
It is a little sadder not to have kids — not to get pregnant – over the holiday season, and my suggestions below won’t erase that sadness or infertility depression. But, reading a different perspective can help. If you haven’t read Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman’s Quest to Become a Mother – the holiday season might be a perfect time to check it out. Orenstein’s book is a beautiful, insightful story of trying to get pregnant.
And, here are several coping tips for the holiday season…

Infertility Depression Over the Holidays – Tips for Coping

Focus on the holiday season. Infertility depression may not be so bad if you focus only on the holiday season — not on your attempts to get pregnant. When your fears, doubts, and anxieties rise up, take out your list of things you’re grateful for. Even though you’re having trouble getting pregnant, I know you are happy about some things in your life! Think of your past memories of wonderful holidays, favorite holiday movies and books, the beauty of snowy surroundings, the taste of hot chocolate and gingerbread. One tip for coping with infertility depression over the holidays is to take control of your thoughts — don’t let your emotions rule you.
Revive your spirituality. Christmas might be a good time to return to church, synagogue, or other place that encourages spirituality. Coping with depression that results from not getting pregnant may be easier if you have a spiritual source of strength and courage. Take time to pray (perhaps with a fertility prayer), meditate, journal, or quietly reflect on the twists and turns of life…including what the future might or might not hold.
Decrease your alcohol consumption. If you’re trying to get pregnant, you probably aren’t drinking too much (or at all). If you’re taking a break from infertility treatments or know you’re not pregnant, then you might want to enjoy a few holiday drinks. There’s nothing wrong with that – just remember that drinking too much can increase intense emotions, lower defenses, and make stress or infertility depression worse. To avoid arguments or uncontrollable emotions in front of family, friends, and colleagues, minimize your alcohol intake.
Avoid talking about getting pregnant or infertility depression at holiday parties. Take a break from talking about the stress of trying to get pregnant. Keep your conversations focused on past Christmas and Thanksgiving traditions, fond memories, family experiences and new info about the holiday season. If you’re struggling with infertility depression, try to avoid your triggers of sadness and pain.
Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Stress and depression levels increase if you don’t get enough sleep, don’t exercise enough, and aren’t eating nutritious foods. If ignored, these three simple factors can wreak havoc on your emotions, thoughts, and actions – which will magnify family problems. Christmas and Thanksgiving can be stressful holidays; mitigate this stress by keeping a healthy physical routine

Merry Christmas Eve!

Me and my Neice Helen...Having fun with the camera

Hello Everyone! Merry Christmas Eve! I hope everyone has had a fantastic and blessed day like i have. Today Leo and i spend the day at his folks house. We chatted up a storm had some lunch opened ed some Christmas gifts and then all went to church. The kids (Jimmy & Helen) made out like crazy in gifts this year! They had so much fun tearing the wrapping paper off the gifts...Jimmy got to the point where he figured out he can walk and open up we had a nice paper trail from the front room into the utility room.. pretty cute! Then off to church we went, we met my sister Renay there and we had a great service.. Started out with a poem that brought tears to my eyes..just reminded me once again of my dreaded Mc i  had...It saddens me very much to be childless once again on a major Holiday...I would love to have a child to love and spread holiday cheer with and to start our own new traditions....But that time will come and i can't wait!! I hope sooner then later!!

Christmas day is tomorrow...and i will be at my moms house...Oh boy is it going to be crazy!! Blaze and Colton are going to be spoiled little boys...I can't wait to spend time with my family and watch them open there gifts(well no so much colton consider hes only 2 months) but it will still be a blast no matter w hat!! Have an amazing Christmas everyone...Be Safe

Friday, December 23, 2011

Oh what a friday!!

Hello! We have a computer back( my sisters laptop) Thank you to Mr.Mike Haskin in Rochester who does such an amazing job on fixing computers for a fantastic price! Now he is working on our desktop computer fixing that it has a darn virus in it!
Anywho Happy Christmas Eve,Eve! Yeppers i did last min Christmas shopping today and lordy i will never do that again! This is the 1st year i ever waited so long...well we kinda had no choice when  you had no money to spend...but i got it done and all wrapped...well besides 1 special gift i'm making for my step dad..Some Norwegian cookies..i will make then Saturday night and give them to him on Christmas day! I'm excited because i have a box of different Norwegian cookies i have made him and i can't wait to give them to him!  Well tomorrow is going to be a busy day, I have my In-Laws Christmas and we have to be there at 9am.. and i have a few errands to run in the morning before we go plus on top of it it will take me awhile to get ready so another early morning. Lets hope i can get some sleep tonight... i got some last night but was wide awake at 4am. for about an hour..oh well....

Anywho..1 more day of clomid left! Saturday night will be my last lets hope and pray it works...if not we will have to come up with 1100$ to do the gonal f shots..witch i know worked the 1st time so maybe round 2 will work..and we won't end up in disappointment....but we will wait and see!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

thinking alot..

          Too beautiful for this earth

Iv been thinking alot about the MC today. I kinda just wanna crawl up into a ball and cry. I don't know why out of all days...The hormones due to clomid maybe? I dunno, or the fact i will be spending Christmas with out a child again. We would almost be 16weeks pregnant and i think about it and how my belly would be growing and if i would be feeling little flutters or if i would have heartburn or crabbiness. But no i got that taken away from me so soon. But why i ask.. Will i ever know the answer to that question probably not! With trying to get pregnant again it scares the heck out of me. I don't know what i will do if i have another mc. It was depressed with the 1st one.. what would another one due to me? put me in the damn Psych Ward probably!I am more then ready to be a mother, and my husband is more then ready to be a father. We have all the love in the world to give a child! We might not be billionaires or have a top notch house but we have love and a roof over our head and food and that's all we need! I get so sick and tired of hurting so much, and i get tired of being strong. I am only one person who has been threw alot! Pretty much hell and back. I know i know people out there do have it worse then me. But for me this is the worst it can get being with empty arms!

But i will end this on a good note. We get Renays Laptop back tomorrow and ours is going in to get fixed!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A chemical pregnancy tease

The chemical pregnancy heartache. Another special moment in infertility.

A chemical pregnancy, meaning a very early miscarriage, where a positive pregnancy test was detected before the woman’s period was due and results in a negative pregnancy test following a period-like bleed.

You were almost there! You had a positive pregnancy test in your hand and something special in your belly. You were just about to throw away your membership to the infertiles club and join the fertile pregnancy club. You and your husband got to celebrate the pregnancy for about 15 minutes when you start to spot. Then you bleed. This doesn’t seem right. Take another pregnancy test. Still positive one day and then negative the next. Well, this is confusing. Are you pregnant or aren’t you? You were so close, and now the moment is gone, leaving a familiar ache in your chest. You wish you could just put a plug down there to stop the bleeding or perhaps some embryo super glue to stick it back in. You will cry for awhile and hurt for a little longer but then you get up, dry your tears, and learn to smile again.
{it's been almost 2 months since I had my dnc done one of the worst things ever and I don't wanna ever have to do it again it makes you feel so empty after its done. However we're back on the road to trying to conceive again it's very scary and I just hope for the best!!}

Clomid day 2

Well I made it threw day 1 of clomid I woke up feeling like crap but I just delt with it. It's for a good cause i would go threw any pain for a baby! So onto my 2nd clomid just took it a half hr ago And once again it makes my belly hurt but I will just lay in bed and relax! So let's keep our fingers crossed that this work!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You are more than your infertility

You are more than your infertility.

You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.

You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.

You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.

You are a timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker, a pregnancy bump spy.

You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher, an ovulation charter.

You are a pregnancy strip tester, a PCOS hair plucker, a low-sperm count partner.

You are a fake pregnancy symptomer, a Clomid side effector, a Facebook pregnancy spy.

You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector, a fertility drug addict.

You are hoper, a believer, a person who won’t give up-er.

You are a strong woman.

Infertility does not define you.
...............................................................Got off a web site I love it!❤


Today is the big day if starting fertility meds ! I shouldn't be doing this I should be 15 1/2 weeks pregnant!!! But no back to square one... Am i scared hell ya! I just want it to work I don't want to come up with 1000$ to do shots again but if we have to then. Darn it we will! Iv been very emotional lately I know with my period coming and doing treatment just makes my emotions crazy! Plus Xmas is around the corner and I'm not even done I want anything more then my family to have a good Xmas! Anywho wish me luck and let's hope and pray this works!! Ps Renays laptop is fixed u can pick it up Friday!! Then we take ours in to get fixed so fri I will have a computer no more cellphone blogs lol!!

Monday, December 19, 2011


We start clomid on tues!!! I'm excited however not hoping for the best turn out because it never has worked before!! But we shall keep our fingers crossed!!


I would give anything to be a mom! I have 2 beautiful nephews who I enjoy every minute I get with them!! Having my nephew Colton sit in his swing in front if our Xmas tree sound asleep just makes that urge to be a mom even more! I hope I will get pregnant and carry full term I can't handle any more sadness in my life.... Because the last 7yrs if trying to conceive has been heartbreaking!!

Eeek hello period!! (tmi)

So while we were at the beautiful waterfall in Hoka I felt like I had to pee but I held it and it went away then half hr felt the urge again then I said Leo let's go I need to use the restroom and so off to kwik trip we went..and I went to the bathroom and sat down and my pants were filled with blood I was bleeding very heavy and the toilet was filled with blood so I finished up in the restroom and told Leo and we had to go get me new pants and undies and change I was pissed!!!!! It put a damper on my day because it sets back treatment almost a month!!! I can't do my gonal f shots till February now!!!!!!!! But we're hoping that since my period came in its own and it wasn't medically induces that maybe its a good sign !! We're waiting to hear back from the doctor hoping to do clomid this month!!! So lots if prayers and baby dust


It's been awhile since I wrote our computer is still not working so I'm typing this on my phone. I've been busy the last couple days! Spent all day Saturday making cookies with my family I had so so much fun!! It was much needed time with the girls and my nephews! Leo and I went to church on Sunday with Renay and she really liked our church! Then we decides to spend the day shopping! It was fun and Leo surprised me by taking me to a waterfall on hokah mn and the weather was perfect we walked and laughed and smiled and kissed just like teenagers lol I enjoyed every single minute of it!! Then off to lacross wi to do some Xmas shopping!! We hit shooko the mall and once upon a child we got a lot of shopping done but needless to say I still have stuff to get eek!!! Lol. After all the wonderful shopping we went to the rotery lights down town. We parked and walked down to the park it was beautiful the lights were amazing! Walking Hand and hand with my husband was priceless we seen some amazing lights!! We then decided we were hungry so we walked up town and ended up walking a while because we didn't know what we wanted. We ended up going to a nice place sorry cant remember the name of it at the moment. We split dinner and we had prim rib, shrimp, soup , potatoes, bread basket and it tasted amazing!!! Thank god for sharing a dinner because it was a lot of food!! Then we walked back to our car and came home!!! An amazing day and I'm so thankful I got to have such a great day with Leo!!!

Monday, December 12, 2011

less then a month..

In less then a month a lot will be going on...#1 christmas,,.Blaze and Coltons 1st xmas that's a big deal! Blaze I can see him already just excited because everyone is there*note:he loves his family* but to open his gifts and play with the paper and boxes and toys..his face is going to be priceless. Needless to say that reminds me*find camera charger!* Colton on the other hand...he won't really understand what's going on..but hopefully he's awake and looking around... #2 Blazes 1st birthday party!!! Can you belive he will be 1 on the crazy is that..but soo exciting. #3 jan 1st 2012 were suppose to be starting provera*as in we,I mean me haha* however...depending on money sitiation on the last day od dec..we might have to hold off...because in order to get my gonal-f shots and ovadril shots I need just a little over 1000$ and so far we have 189$ yep have along road to go..but what can you do when the cash flow is not there? This is the longest Leo has been off work and I know he hates it...but he's trying everything just to earn a 1$ and I'm so blessed and thankfull for that...........well that's all for now...

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its been awhile..

Sorry its been desk top computer only works when it wants to...and the laptop is getting fixed....Things have not really changed...iv stopped doing the diet just for the fact i don't belive it was right for someon who has rny i will just eat healthy and exercise....

Leo still has not been working..besides with his he has been busy

money is still very tight...
the way things are looking we might not able to start treatment until the middle or end of january
so that pretty much sucks...alot

anywho...will write more later...

Please say a prayer for An amazing strong woman Erika, she lost her fight with cancer.. she was one hell of a fighter!! May god be with her family in this time of need!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Well. 5 days on the diet and today seem the hardest I wanted to eat everything...but I didn't I still ate my peanutbutter...weird I know....been putting a few things on ebay to try and raise money...hopefully they sell.......sorry I have not been posting on fb...we don't have a computer at the moment it went to crap well not really has a virus in I cleaned and watched tv and did was cold outside today... leo came home and we put up the tree its soo beautiful and it looks great in the some gifts under it all ready!!  Well will write more on Friday...I'm going to bed

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Why do you have a child when you can't take care of it? Do you think its easy as 1-2-3? It takes money,time,patients and lots of love.....Why do you get pregnant when all you do is complain? Your body is going to grow and its going to hurt but you have a baby growing inside of you. Why is it you have a mc and you pretty much blow it off when you have tryed for a long time...when there are people like me who died inside when I had a mc...and I would give anything to have my body grown...and to raise a beautiful baby!!!!

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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

peanut butter....peanut butter...and wed!!

Ok everyone peanut butter is going to be the death of me haha iv ate so much the las 2 I looked up online and it says craving pb means your lacking something in your diet and iv been on this new diet since needless to say iv been lacking something has been a lazy lazy day watched greys anatomy,did some laundry and relaxed...                    day 3 of diet.....   breakfast= yogurt and green tea.  Lunch = salmon patties and apples and pb and green tea...dinner = homemad veggie egg drop soup it turned out amazing...and green tea...later had.  Frozen yougurt and pb.  Now just ate carrots and pb....crazy....well have a good night!!!

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Happy Wed...but lets back up to tuesday

Happy Wed!

Sorry i didn't get online to write yesterday...i was busy with Blaze all day then i wasn't feeling good so i rested and tryed to get some sleep

So day 3 of diet....went ok i guess

breakfast=1 boiled egg and half of a grapefruit
1 cup of green tea

lunch=chicken breast with tomato and cucumbers in light Italian dressing and an apple
and spit some yogurt with blaze(yes i was hungry at lunch times)
1 cup of green tea

dinner=2 salmon patties and a some mushrooms and i had 2 small bites of blazes french toast
1 cup of green tea

also in between had my 8cups of water

from Sunday i was 170lbs-today i was 166.8lbs so i'm pretty happy witih that

Blaze sure kept me busy yesterday
we played and played, we colored and we played with yogurt on our highchair tray(i believe he thought that was cool) we practiced getting up on our knees to start crawling and we played with the dog he also got some hanging out time with Uncle Leo.....Leo came home so he could watch blaze andi could go to blaze was sleeping then he woke up when i went to lay him down then leo started playing him with some toys and he was fine...then i left the room and he started to cry...1st off i hate to to hear him i got up..i know leo could of handled him...but he was an un happy i sat on the couch and he sat with uncle leo and they played with his toys and he was fine...Not that i didn't be live leo couldn't handle him...blaze just doesn't see him that much...

anywho today is going to be lazy.......have a good one everyone

Monday, December 5, 2011


happy monday everyone
Happy 2nd day on my diet

breakfast=yogurt with warm berrys and green tea

lunch=tuna salad and an apple and green tea

dinner= roasted chicken breast with cucumbers and tomatoes in light Italian dressing and green tea

iv drank 6 cups of water also...and exercised some not much...but iv been busy so that helps

Today was an pretty laid back day...

slept amazing last night and slept in a little...hung out with leo in the morning...had a chiropractor appt and found out she pregnant, also she has i'm soo soo happy for her!! then came home had lunch with leo and we chatted and then got ready and went to rochester....went to cub foods did some grocery shopping...then went to renays graduation where i get to hang out in the lobby with colton because he was fussy but thats ok enjoyed he did give me lots of smiles in between all the crys...and i even got him to fall asleep and we caught the last 2 people walking in her graduation class... go us hahaha...then we went to Mike Haskings to drop off our laptop...if you need a computer fix..hes your man does amazing work i would recommend him to anyone!!!!!!!! then had to swing into hyvee to see if they had a few things that cubs didn't have......
then home had dinner and watched a pretty good day

been thinking alot about our treatments in jan...we might have to post-pon it for a few to slow money coming ok with that...because i don't want leo to stress over it...hes a great guy doing the best he can do...also we need to still get some xmas gifts and birthday gifts for blaze we will see we may or may not have the money...

well have a good night everyone!!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Happy Sunday!!

Wowsa was today a busy day!! Happy Sunday everyone..

Today was day 1 of my 17 day diet...

breakfast=2 egg whites scrambled with seasons
1/2 grapefruit
1cup of hot green tea

Lunch = salad greens with carrots and ranch yogurt dressing
1 cup of cold tea


dinner=eggplant/with boneless chicken breast with low carb marinara sauce with spices
1 cup of warm tea

and later on tonight i will have some yogurt

i did a ton of cleaning, cleaned the front room and the bathroom today and leo cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes...what a great husband!!
Then we brought up most of the xmas stuff and decorated the house...we got all of your Christmas houses up and nicknack's.. no tree today but hopefully tomorrow it just got to be a long day and i was getting tired so we just waited on we had dinner, and i took a shower and now were relaxing and watching Elf..i love this movie its such a funny Christmas movie!!
Well we got snow yesterday/last night now a whole lot but enough and it was a heavy wet snow.. i got some pictures they turned out pretty good!!

Anywho Day 1 of diet almost done! and i did good :)

Have a great night everyone

Saturday, December 3, 2011

If you could see me now.......a great video......

Info to go with my last blog...Info i found online..

Its still going to be hard to get over this...Will i ever feel normal again? will i ever stop blaming myself? Will the little lost peice in my heart ever be filled?

It’s All My Fault

Coping with Guilt and Self-Blame
By Elizabeth Czukas, Guide
Updated December 01, 2011

Guilt is one of the common reactions nearly all women experience after a pregnancy loss. Whether your loss was so early you didn’t even know you were pregnant or you were only days from your due date, it’s hard not to wonder if you did anything wrong and what you could have done to prevent it.

The hard truth is, there was most likely nothing you could have done. In most cases, there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent your miscarriage or stillbirth. This site has many articles on the causes of pregnancy loss, including the few modifiable risk factors, such as smoking and alcohol use.

However, apart from cases where the direct cause is certain - such as an identifiable chromosome abnormality or a placental abruption - all those articles are talking about the same thing: risk factors (those conditions or situations that are associated with miscarriage or stillbirth). None of the risk factors is known to cause miscarriage 100% of the time. Even with a drug like cocaine, which is known to cause placental abruption, there are women who use cocaine who do not have miscarriages. The fact is most miscarriages and stillbirths occur in women who have no modifiable risk factors.

So why do you feel so guilty when you most likely know there was nothing you did to cause your loss or could have done differently to prevent it?

What Is Guilt?

In psychology, guilt is viewed as an emotion that stems from doing - or believing we have done - something wrong when we had the chance to do the right thing. Speaking sociologically, guilt serves the purpose of helping us have empathy for others. If we believe we have the chance to alleviate another person's pain or suffering, then we believe we should do whatever is needed to accomplish that goal. If we choose not to, the result is guilt.

Believe it or not, guilt and self-blame can be healthy, and they have their place in our emotional spectrum. For example, if you insult someone or skip out on your exercise routine, the feelings of guilt that follow are a reminder to do what is best. Whether it means making amends with the other person or sticking with your health-conscious habits, guilt can serve a purpose.

However, there are plenty of occasions when we feel guilty without the power to change our actions or behavior. That’s when guilt can become overwhelming and is no longer useful as an internal reminder. It’s an unhealthy guilt. An example of this might be when you watch a commercial for a charity to help feed poor children. Although you can do your part with a donation, realistically you don’t have the resources to end hunger on your own. Feeling guilty about your limited resources won’t change that.

In the case of a miscarriage, guilt most likely results from feelings of helplessness. We wish there was some warning for what was about to happen, some chance to intervene. It’s very difficult for people to see something as inevitable, especially with modern medicine at our disposal. As a result, we tend to look for anything we could have done differently, and feel guilty that we didn’t do it. Even knowing there was nothing you or your doctor could have done to change the outcome may not eliminate the feeling that you should have done more.

How Do You Deal with Feelings of Guilt?

There is no simple way of getting rid of guilty feelings or to stop blaming yourself, but there are some techniques you can try to alleviate those feelings.

•Make a change. If you have any concerns that your lifestyle choices may have played a role in your loss, you have the opportunity, and the power, to make changes in your life. If you’ve already decided to have more children, this is a good opportunity to make healthier choices for yourself. Quit smoking, eliminate alcohol, use stress reduction techniques, get regular medical care and follow your doctors’ instructions, especially if you have a chronic medical condition like high blood pressure or diabetes.

•Acknowledge your feelings. Whether or not you had an impact on your pregnancy loss, you can recognize your feelings of self-blame. Seeing your feelings as feelings - and not an indication of your actual guilt - can be the first step in letting go of the unhelpful emotions. Maybe it would help if you express your regret to your baby. A private, focused conversation, spoken aloud or to yourself, or a letter of apology addressed to your baby may help relieve some of your feelings.

•Ask for forgiveness. In all likelihood, no one blames you for your pregnancy loss. That doesn’t mean you can’t express your feelings of guilt to someone in your life and ask for forgiveness. You might be surprised by how relieved you feel if you tell your spouse or partner you’ve been blaming yourself and want their forgiveness. If you are religious, speak to your religious leader. Whether or not your faith has a formalized confession, your religious leader will most likely welcome your thoughts and help you seek forgiveness.

•Help someone else. It’s too late to change your own pregnancy outcome, but working to help others from experiencing the same grief can help alleviate feelings of guilt. Donate to a research organization dedicated to reducing miscarriage and stillbirth. Volunteer to speak about your experiences at a support group. Do work at your hospital's neonatal intensive care unit. Help out at a low-income prenatal clinic, so more women have access to the prenatal care they need for a healthy pregnancy.
Feelings of guilt are a normal part of the emotional response to pregnancy loss. Recognizing that you were most likely powerless to prevent your miscarriage or stillbirth is a difficult but important step in relieving your guilt. You may never completely eliminate those nagging feelings of "what if…" and "if I only…" But by following some of the above suggestions you may be able to channel your self-blaming tendencies into something positive.

The Blame Game....

Do you ever blame yourself for something even though you know deep down its not your fault? Iv been feeling horriable lately and i keep telling myself that its my stupid bodys fault that we lost our baby..Then all the what ifs run threw your head..
What if i was at my goal weight and healthy?
what if i was not under so much stress?
what if i keept taking my progestrone?
What if i didn't skip my vitamins?
what if i wasn't on my sleeping pills?
What if i didn't drink before i started my fertility shots?

So many what ifs......And it sucks and it hurts and its killing me...Like i feel like i need to be perfect before January before i start this round again...

Perfect weight, i refuse to take any sleeping pills, i take my prenatials vitamins in the morning...
I'm trying i feel just horriable,,and its putting alot of stress on me and leo and its just because i'm good at pushing people away exspecially the ones i love the most!!!
Well tommorw i start my diet wish me luck! I need and want to get these extra 10 lbs off!!!!

Happy Saturday and 1st major snow fall!!

Well the last couple of days i'v been busy busy busy! I went to Lacross wi, and went to Woodmans grocery store and did some shopping with my wonderfull mother in law and we got some amazing deals! We had subway for lunch..Yumm-o! Then went to winona and went to a couple other places and then got back to her house around 6pm. Then i came home made dinner relaxed watch tv and went to bed.... Today i hung out with my mom.. we went to a church in alma wi and they had a little silent auction for christmas and we looked at all the stuff there...then we were going to go to an arts and craft show but we were driving and talking and driving and talking and before we new it we past the place. So we just headed to winona.. we and had lunch at the ground-round and i had a steak and so did she and they were very yummy!! then we did some was so nice to be with her and have some nice quality time and be able to talk and catch up on life! Then i came home and it was snowing pretty good...a heavy wet snow and i filled up my bird feeders witch i know the birds will be going crazy over in the morning! Then i helped leo put some wood down in the basement for the woodstove..witch i LOVE during the cold days and night my house is soo warm!! and it saves on a lp bill!! Then i came in the houe payed bills..yuck no fun and then he decided he wanted to go drive in the snow so i decied to let him..then he came back picked me up because he wanted to show me some beautiful xmas lights..and they were very pretty then we went to the pioneer club and had dinner...i didnt eat much i got really full fast! Then we came home took some pictures and was a pretty good night..besides some bumps in the road leo and i had..but we talked threw them and figured them out and things are better! I love the 1st snow it makes me feel like a little kid i get so excited..Im most excited about getting up in the morning and all the trees are white and i'm hoping to get some beautiful pictures.. Hopefully i will have some for you guys to see sometime tommorw...Leo and i are going to start going to church again i'm pretty excited something i really want to do...but if the roads are crap they most likely will cancel it and we will have to wait till next week....but thats ok that is something worth waiting for!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Iv been thinking...Im Lucky to have the most amazing man ever! Yeppers im a proud wife to Leo J Newman..We have had our VERY, I Mean VERY rocky moments..our moments where we both waanna run away and give up..Our moments where we wanna scream and just hate the world...but threw all them horriable moments we have had 20times more happy moments..We are so blessed..We may not have the best house or the best car..but them are MATERIALISTIC items..we have our heath and a roof over our head and love..very strong love for each other...He is my best friend/ lover and my rock. I love him and think god for him every single day. He has been by myside for everything..He has never ever gave up on me when i was ready to give up on myself and this crazy world.. He stayed strong when weak and he held on to me instead of letting me go during rocky times.
I am blessed truly best..and i know every woman says this about her man..but ladys..i have the best of the best..and i love him so much
i vow to be the best wife ever to this amazing man!!

less then a month......

Well this time next month i will be starting my fertility meds....How am i feeling? SCARED!!!!!!!! i wanna be a momma so bad..however i'm not looking forward to back and forth driving to the doctors and giving my self my shots..or the two week wait to take the pregnacy test!! I will do this and i will be strong threw it all....I hope and pray for the best i don't want to go threw a miscarriage again it took alot out of me it was the worst ever!!! i want a happy healthy pregnacy..i wanna see my belly grow so cute and i morning sickness and all the stuff with pregnacy!!

So many thoughts and prayers please!!!!

Lots of Love: Thanks Teresa

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

End of the day...

whelp its 11:13pm and you would think i would be tired...I had a fantastic day today. Blaze kept me busy...He had some fruit and bottle for breakfast and then he took his morning nap..thats when i wrote my other blog..then he played and played when he woke up...then off to greatgrandmas house we went and boy did we have a great time there. Blaze was in such a good mood he talked and talked and had so many giggles and smiles and grandma and i was was laughing..then ate a whole sandwich and a whole sippy cup of milk and then afternoon nap i rocked him to sleep in grandmas rocking chair. and then grandma and i talked for awhile. then he woke up and we visited alittle longer and then we headed out.. we took grandma to kwik trip then we took her home and we went to the library. He had so much fun at the library we sat on the colored carpet and played with trucks and then we read if you give a moose a muffin and the book was bigger then him it was a big book and he just got way excited!! it was soo cute..then we came back to my house and played then he had dinner. mac and cheese and fruit he ate alot!!! then aunti Nay picked him up! Then Leo and i have been relaxing...Its been a pretty good day..
Friday looks like a crappy day i need to clean!!!!!!!!!! i mean do some all around good cleaning, bathroom floor and everything ect! Oh well....

Have a fantastic night everyone.....

The best part of waking up..............

Not Foldgers in your cup...But a Happy Bubbly smiling little boy who shows up a few min after your up!!! Mr Blaze man is here for the day..He is napping right now on the couch...Sound asleep...We have a full day ahead of us..were going to go visit great greandma Edith and make his 1st stop at the library..Then back to our house..and play play play!! I am blessed to have such amazing little people in my nephews my neice there so fun and i just love them so much!!

So iv been selling things on craigslist and some winona website to raise money to put in our fertility far iv made 79$ lol.............OH well 79$ is 79 right..better then nothing...if you looking for anything let me know..
we have some shoes...and car headlights and mirrors..and other odds and ends lol

were trying thats all i can and grandma and leos folks re helping us out the best they can..and i thank god everyday for them in my life and for everything they are doing for us..i'm so lucky to have such amazing family!!

Also: I don't know how many of you read this but the few who do thank you so much...also i love writing and this helps me alot and i love to inform people on infertility and pcos!!

Well have a blessed day!! Because i know i will :-)