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Thursday, February 16, 2012

ugh.............

so we test in less then 24hours i know its going to be a bfn i don't feel pregnant and i just have this gut feeling...its not our month...so onto another round of meds...it seem liked everything was perfect my body responded well to the shots besides i only got one follicle maybe if Had like 2 or 3 we would be pregnant i dunno i just hate my body i wish i could switch or get a new one...Im sick and tired of everyone have baby's and young kids having babys and people who have one night stands have babys..will it ever be my turn..i honestly don't know how much more mentally i can take of this...every time i get a negative all i wanna do is hide under my covers and cry...no one around me understands what the hell im going threw everyone is popping out babies left and right. Maybe after this month i will take a month or two off and try to get down to my weight of 160-155lbs maybe just getting that much more weight off will  help my body...i doughy it getting 125lbs off didn't help do a damn thing besides made me kinda healthier but now if i gain a few pounds i freak out...Im suppose to go out with a fried this saturday but i don't really know if i wanna go...iv left this person down before...i dunno...i guess i will just go out....I HATE HATE HATE this!!!!!!!! i hate my fn body...i hate that im not a mother i hate that i lost my baby....I hate that my 2 younger sisters have kids before (however i do love them and they are great moms) I hate that i know people who can look at a guy and bam there pregnant..What did i ever do to deserve this?!? Yep i can tell you today,friday, sat, and sun is all going to be HORRIBLE FRIKEN days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will pick up my provera tomorrow and start that so we can get the show on the road to get pregnant... The medication is so expensive...Stupid insurance sees infertility as a cosmetic...oh lord come on..having a flippen baby is not cosmetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 I ask this question all the time! WHY ME?!?! what did i ever do to deserve all this hurt in my life?!? I get blessed with an amazing husband a fantastic family...But then i can't have a baby i have pcos and look like a man(do to extra body hair) i have depression , i lost my 1st baby, iv been threw many treatments to get pregnant , i had a d& done my body should have been cleaned out and ready for this round..i waited a few months to try again....If we don't get pregnant on gonal f and ovadril doing timed intercourse We can't afford iui or ivf!! I will be childless i just know it....I will never be a mom!!!!!!!!!!
Ever want something so badly?!?! that it HURTS!!
It is my fault!! Its my body that wont work...Not Leo's his body is fine!! Im the broken one!!!

 Hope...Something i have very little of anymore....














I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rascal-flatts-lyrics/what-hurts-the-most-lyrics.html]
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

2 comments:

Jaymie And Robbie said...

Hi there :0)

stumbled upon your blog via pinterest and have been following you for a few weeks now. Just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I am almost 25 and my husband turned 28 today. we are a healthy ( no drugs, hardly any alcohol)and we lead a normal life. I have been off BC for 2 years now and we just recently learned that my husband has a low sperm count and low motility. How in the world can this be? I've had my share of cries, but now i cant seem to cry about it. I have friends who are now onto their second child, and i am of course happy for them, but so sad for myself.

My sister is a drug addict, Bipolar, ADD and the list goes on and on. Her first daughter is now 11, and my mom has had custody of her since she was 5months old. I help my mom raise my niece until i moved out 3 years ago. backtrack 6 years ago, and my sister gets pregnant AGAIN...the fathers mom is raising this one. It baffles me to know that someone who has done nothing but screw up their entire life can pop out a child, and here me and my husband are, working hard, finished school, rent a nice home, have no debt...and we cant have a child the natural way.

We will be seeing an infertility specialist soon. We have Kaiser, but zero fertility coverage so we are seeking outside help. Thankfully my husbands parents have offerend to help us pay for what will end up being IVF with ICSI. I'm hoping that we will be able to start that proces late summer or early fall. I would love to be pregnant by the end of the year.

I will keep you in my thoughts. but dont put yourself down, its nothing you can help, and having all that negative energy running through your body can't be good for you!!

sorry for the book i just wrote :)

Best wishs,
Jaymie

Teresa Newman said...

Jaymie
Thank you so much for reaching out and for this wonderful comment..It is so hard we all you want more in the world is to become a mother...I know so many people who shouldn't be parents and would rather go out and party and drink ect...when Leo and I we stay home and watch Hulu, or Netflix we even took away our cable to save money for fertility meds..we do go out to the movies or out to eat but not much. If you wanna ever talk more please feel free to contact me on here or im also on FB..

I wish you and your hubby the best and lots of baby dust!! Good Luck at all your Appt!! Thoughts and prayers sent your way my dear!! KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH!! it will happen for the both of us...

Take Care:
Teresa