Sunday, August 12, 2012

Will i ever be?,,,,,,,,,

Will i ever be a mom? That question no one can ever answer...but why does it hurt so much? iv been doing good...but this last couple of days my moods are horrible and i feel like life sucks...i just don't feel happy..i mean i am happy i have the most amazing husband and family ever..but i feel a piece of me is empty...also...went threw the milestone of my ""estimated due date June 10th"" now October is coming up in a few months..October 25th was the day i had my ultrasound and found out there were no babies growing and Halloween was my dread d&c..i know i shouldn't dwell on the past..and im a very strong person...but sometimes things just heart hurts...Kind of a slap in the fast a few days ago..i went on one of my websites i have not been on since i found out i was pg last yr..and it said..your baby should be 7 weeks now..yep...i should have a baby/or/babies in my house...i should be a momma...why can't i just let it go?? i mean its dumb right?!? dumb i can't move on?  i know there are a few that understand me..and a few of you that may trying to be strong...but all i want do is...scream and cry and just throw my hands up and be done with all the medications and doctors appt..but i can't be..because that's my only hope of becoming a mother..i don't have the money to adopt..

Watching my nephews and niece grow up has been a blessing, im so glade they are healthy and growing like weeds and that their parents allow me to be involved in there lives. I love them to the moon and back and much more........Had a family reunion today it was many kids..and yet leo and i were the only ones with out kids......i enjoyed watching all the kids run around and play but my heart kinda hurt..but thats ok..i will go on..i will put my happy face on and everything will be ok..thas ok to live life like that right?!? well..enough of this i will write more tue after my doc appt!!

****leave you with some pictures, take a few min and look at them ****

I Wish It Didn’t Bother Me

I wish it didn’t bother me
But in the depths of my heart 
and soul it does.

I long to be a mother 
And to hold my child close
To pick out names
Toys and clothes

I want to show a baby 
love so true and dear
To hug and kiss and cuddle with

I wish it didn’t bother me
To see all my friends and family
Being a Mommy or expecting

Going to showers 
Seeing Maternity Photos
It is heart breaking to know
That I will never experience it

Yea I can adopt
But it’s really not the same.
I wish it didn’t bother me

I want to feel the kicks
I want know what it is like
People say I am lucky
But I disagree

The heartbreak one feels
Being unable to bear children
It is indescribable

I wish it didn’t bother me 
But it does

To try and tell the guy you love
That you are unable to give him
Children of his own

What if he can’t handle it
He can’t accept that you’re damaged goods
What if he leaves you for a new girl
One that can give him kids

It is a cruel fate 
That I wouldn’t wish 
Even on my worst of enemies

Sometimes I just need to cry
I need someone to confide in
But despite their greatest efforts
They just don’t understand

I wish it didn’t bother me
But unfortunately it does

~ Nicole Richardson

A soft place to land