Friday, May 17, 2013

...Reflect....on our journey..(short sum)

Wow..what can i say... Its been a long almost 9 yrs!! 
All i can say is were truly blessed with the most amazing little miracle ever...Tori Michelle is going to be loved so much..she will never know how much!!
Lets do a little reflection on life and our journey

June 19th Leo and I will be married 9 years!! 9 crazy wonderful emotional years! I love him more then words can say!! He has been my rock!! When we got married we new we were going to have a long road ahead of us to get pregnant..but my wonderful husband was up to take this long emotional challenge with me. we did many rounds of clomid..and my body hates clomid..even when i was heavy and even when i was at my smallest..I have something called pcos, i dont' get a normal cycle like woman without pcos do.. I could go years and years with cycles, i have/had cyst on my ovaries and i never ovulated ..well we did many rounds of clomid and then we stopped clomid and took a break...then we were ready to try again and the doctors wanted me to drop weight..i tried..i tried ...i tried..and the weight was not coming off...i ended up getting gastric bypass over 3 1/2 yrs ago.. and it was truly the most amazing thing ever..i went from almost 300lbs to up to 185(my pre pregnancy weight) i gained the weight back doing gonal-f shots the hormone shots made my poor body go crazy..anywho... After taking a long 18 months off from trying for a baby we got the ok from the doctors... and we tried and ovulation no positive pregnancy test..nothing.. i remember the months i would cry because i wanted to be a mom so many times.. i remember being so mad at others being pregnant..i remember just wanting to give up..and just live our lives with out kids... but i new deep down..Leo and i were meant to be parents.. October of 2011 we got our 1st big fat positive!!!!!! omg was we were excited and scared at the same time.. but things didn't feel right... i had spotting..some spotting is normal (implantation bleeding) but i had some cramping..and well things were just not getting any better.. Went to the er with my mom and the doctor said it looked like i was mc and there was nothing she could do.... well then i had a follow up appt.and had an ultrasound and we had two sacs with 1 fetal we still had hope my hcg numbers were going they thought that maybe we could have been carrying twins and lost one.. we went back for a 7 week us and there was nothing there.. i cried and cried.. i went into a deep depression.. i ended up getting a d&c done..i was pregnant (to me i was) and i lost both babies.. i felt less of a woman, i felt broken i felt defeated.. i felt like i was done.. i didn't wanna do it anymore.. i couldn't handle the pain.. i was at the end of the rope.. i was in a deep depression and wanted to do nothing besides stay in bed...The only thing that cheered me up at the time was my nephews.. just seeing there little faces was the only thing that made me smile... but i finally got out of that slump and was ready to try again... my husband and family stood by my side during everything..they help lift me up and see the light and that things will be ok..and will work out at the end.. we had many treatments we have not tried yet... Well needless to say..we scrapped up enough money and did 4 more rounds of gonal-f and ovadril and timed intercourse..and we just were not falling pregnant.. we decide to one more month of it and then take a long break and then do iui after xmas.. well...after doing our last round of gonal-f  and clomid i took a pregnancy test and it was negative.i was heartbroken..i was like really again..ugh!! but something told me to re-test again a few days later.. Leo and i were going to go out and have a few adult i wanted to test 1 more time... i tested and jumped into the shower...and then peaked and seen that there a positive on the pregnancy test... no flippen way was that a true positive..because 2 days before it was negative.. it was wrong, i had to be a false positive...No it was 100% a real positive pregnancy test.. I went and showed my mom and grandma and they were so so excited.. I texted leo and he was so excited..but yet we were both so scared..what if something happened like last time?!? I got my hcg levels and they were pretty low but i got them taken again a few days later and they went up..but were still low..but they went up so that was good news.. we found out around 3 1/2 weeks 7 weeks 1 day we got our 1st ultrasound sound and there was a baby, with a beautiful heartbeat..i couldn't believe it... WE were having a baby!!!!!!!!! my fears never go away..i still worry at almost 36 weeks pregnant.. that something will happen to this miracle.. This little girl will never ever know how much she was wanted and how much we love her...I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and love her forever and ever..she will be our pride and joy!! She is truly a miracle baby!!

and i want to thank my husband for putting up with me, threw everything..the good the bad the ugly the worst the best everyone.. he could have gave up and left along time ago..but he never did..he is the best thing ever.. i want to thank my mom, for going to all my appt and letting me cry on her shoulder and just be made at the world..she is my best friend and i love her so much.. I hope im at least half the wonderful mom she was i am to Tori!! Also all my friends who have seen me at my worst and my best and who always was there to love and support us!! Thank you!! You are all truly amazing!!!
I will never forget the long emotional heartbreaking road it was to get to where we are today!! i was pcos, and infertility was something no woman/or couple had to deal with..its such a horrible thing!! But it truly only made me a stronger person!!