Todays doctors appt...Drum roll please.......

SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yep... today's doctors appt was depressing...no mature follies at all...they were there..nothing big!! so im suppose to use opks see if i get a positive one..im almost 1500000% sure i won't....and then on cd 31 start provera again..bring on my period and start this damn cycle all over again!! Will it come to an end ever?!?!? All this negative stuff is making me go crazy..for real..im forgetting stuff and i can't sleep and my mind is racing...seems like when we are not TTC all i wanna do is ttc, and get my positive..but when we are ttcing im ready to throw my hands up and give up!! i know i won't...im so lucky to have such amazing support from friends and family!! i will keep fighting this fight until i have a little one to call my own......but days today my heart just hurts.....
..

Will i ever be?,,,,,,,,,

Will i ever be a mom? That question no one can ever answer...but why does it hurt so much? iv been doing good...but this last couple of days my moods are horrible and i feel like life sucks...i just don't feel happy..i mean i am happy i have the most amazing husband and family ever..but i feel a piece of me is empty...also...went threw the milestone of my ""estimated due date June 10th"" now October is coming up in a few months..October 25th was the day i had my ultrasound and found out there were no babies growing and Halloween was my dread d&c..i know i shouldn't dwell on the past..and im a very strong person...but sometimes things just hurt..my heart hurts...Kind of a slap in the fast a few days ago..i went on one of my websites i have not been on since i found out i was pg last yr..and it said..your baby should be 7 weeks now..yep...i should have a baby/or/babies in my house...i should be a momma...why can't i just let it go?? i mean its dumb right?!? dumb i can't move on?  i know there are a few that understand me..and a few of you that may not...but..im trying to be strong...but all i want do is...scream and cry and just throw my hands up and be done with all the medications and doctors appt..but i can't be..because that's my only hope of becoming a mother..i don't have the money to adopt..

Watching my nephews and niece grow up has been a blessing, im so glade they are healthy and growing like weeds and that their parents allow me to be involved in there lives. I love them to the moon and back and much more........Had a family reunion today it was fun.....so many kids..and yet leo and i were the only ones with out kids......i enjoyed watching all the kids run around and play but my heart kinda hurt..but thats ok..i will go on..i will put my happy face on and everything will be ok..thas ok to live life like that right?!? well..enough of this i will write more tue after my doc appt!!

****leave you with some pictures, take a few min and look at them ****




I Wish It Didn’t Bother Me

I wish it didn’t bother me
But in the depths of my heart 
and soul it does.

I long to be a mother 
And to hold my child close
To pick out names
Toys and clothes

I want to show a baby 
love so true and dear
To hug and kiss and cuddle with

I wish it didn’t bother me
To see all my friends and family
Being a Mommy or expecting

Going to showers 
Seeing Maternity Photos
It is heart breaking to know
That I will never experience it

Yea I can adopt
But it’s really not the same.
I wish it didn’t bother me

I want to feel the kicks
I want know what it is like
People say I am lucky
But I disagree

The heartbreak one feels
Being unable to bear children
It is indescribable

I wish it didn’t bother me 
But it does

To try and tell the guy you love
That you are unable to give him
Children of his own

What if he can’t handle it
He can’t accept that you’re damaged goods
What if he leaves you for a new girl
One that can give him kids

It is a cruel fate 
That I wouldn’t wish 
Even on my worst of enemies

Sometimes I just need to cry
I need someone to confide in
But despite their greatest efforts
They just don’t understand

I wish it didn’t bother me
But unfortunately it does



~ Nicole Richardson
   6/24/2012

Friday is........

Friday is my last day of femera Wow..seems like i just started it.. i have not had any side effect at all! Been kind of tired but other then that things have been going great..so lets hope that a good sign..and not a bad sign... Yesterday(wed) i had a horrible migraine..i slept all day, and if you know me i don't sleep during the day unless im really really sick!!! it was bad..i slept and had an ice pack under my head for most of the day..But today...im better thank god!! Because it was a bad day yesterday!!! Today i made a few things with my cricut...yep im in love with it :)
Tomorrow (Friday) im going grocery shopping with my granny...Yes its an all day process we drive an hr away to go to a big grocery store that we love called woodmans and we have lunch and just take our time! should be a good day! the weather is going to be nice!!
...Please keep your fingers cross that this medication works....and my follies are growing growing growing....


ON ANOTHER NOTE.........

Please say a prayer for my friend GiGi, she gets her us tomorrow to see if clomid has been working and if her follies are growing and if she will be taking her trigger shot!!

WHOLY Hot Flashes!!

*** HOT FLASHES***

Iv been on a few different fertility medications...and iv NEVER got hot flashes like this!!!!

im sitting in my ac house and im sweating like crazy!!!!! YUCK!!

Try to make the best of it i found a few funny pictures :)

Day 1 of femera....

Hello everyone!! Yesterday was day 1 of femera..and i took it at night ...and i felt fine no side-effects so lets hope day to is just as easy :) I have a good feeling about this round..im hoping and praying that the feeling stays! Im doing everything i can do, eat healthy taking my medication, exercising, i feel good! Fingers crossed that this is our month!! and if it is that baby bean sticks!! So this is what things look like

• Monday-2.5mg fermera & 850mg of metformin
• Tuesday- 2.5mg fermera & 850mg of metformin
• Wednesday- 2.5mg fermera & 850mg of metformin
• Thursday- 2.5mg fermera & 850mg of metformin
• Friday- 2.5mg fermera & 850mg of metformin ((Last day of femera)
• Saturday/Sunday/Monday hope follies grow, grown!
• Tuesday-8:30am Folllicual ultrasound ((fingers crossed that i have 1 or 2 that are mature)), Doctor likes to see them at 18 or bigger that is what they consider mature!

  

~*~*~* On another Note~*~*~*

Please say a prayer for my friend GiGi, she is doing her 1st round of clomid this week and she has her 1st follicule us on Friday! So please keep her in  your prayers that she will get her bfp this month :)

Start Femera on Monday!!

Hello Everyone!

Af decided to arrive Saturday morning full force showing her ugly face...Well i was excited kinda because i wanna start this new medication! Femera! Iv heard great things about it..but it seems like im going to be on such a low low low dose..2.5mg? i dunno..fingers cross that it works that all i can hope for right!! If we get pregnant this round baby will be due in may..Hubbys bday is may 4th, and my bday is may 17th..so that would be pretty neat! I have a good feeling about it!! Lets hope that im right :) 

also im on metformin and we cut my dosage down by half and iv been feeling 100% better!! thank gosh because i was feeling horrible!

TTC giveaway?!? maybe!!???

Hello!!
So iv been throwing around doing a ttc giveaway
just have people subscribe to my blog and leave a comment
something simple

i was thinking ovulation test, and pregnancy test
a few infertility books
and a few other items..i dont wanna tell all my secrets :) its not going to be alot of expensive stuff..but something small :) any input would be great!!